Five minutes. Every good wedding speech is about five minutes, contains one story rather than a list of them, and ends with a toast people know to raise a glass to. The most common failure is length, and the second is a story that is funnier to the speaker than to the room.
The shape of a speech that works
Say who you are and how you know them. Tell one story - a single, specific story with a beginning and an end. Turn it to say something true about the couple. Then toast. That is the entire structure and it holds for a best man, a maid of honour, a parent or the couple themselves.
One story told properly beats four told quickly. The instinct to include everything is what produces an eleven-minute speech, and eleven minutes is where a room starts checking its phones.
What to cut
Ex-partners. Anything about drinking, however affectionately. In-jokes only four people understand. Anything you would not say with the person's grandmother sitting three feet away, because she is. And any sentence that begins 'I've known him since...' followed by a chronology.
The test worth applying: would this be funny to someone who has never met either of them? If the humour depends on knowing the person, it is a story for the rehearsal dinner.
Delivering it
Read it aloud twice, timed. Print it in large type on cards - not a phone. Hold the microphone close and speak more slowly than feels natural, because nerves accelerate everyone.
Say the toast line clearly and raise your glass as you say it, so the room knows it has ended. Speeches that trail off leave everyone unsure whether to clap, which is a sad end to a good speech.
What to actually do about it
- Give every speaker a time limit and mean it
- Five minutes each. Tell them the number when you ask, not the week before.
- Tell your DJ or MC who is speaking and in what order
- They introduce each speaker and close the section. Unbriefed, this falls to whoever holds the microphone.
- Coordinate with the kitchen
- Speeches between courses work best, but only if your caterer knows. A course arriving mid-speech is two schedules colliding.
- Ask for a handheld mic, not a lectern mic
- Speakers move. A fixed microphone captures half of a nervous speech and your videographer captures the rest badly.
Common questions
How long should a wedding speech be?
Five minutes. Unbriefed speakers routinely run eleven, which is where a room starts losing interest. Give every speaker a time limit when you ask them, and have your DJ or MC hold them to it.
What should you not say in a wedding speech?
Ex-partners, drinking stories, in-jokes only a few people understand, and anything you would not say with the person's grandmother three feet away - because she is. If the humour requires knowing the person, save it for the rehearsal dinner.
What is the order of wedding speeches?
Commonly the hosts or parents, then the best man and maid of honour, then the couple. The order matters less than the placement: between dinner courses is kinder than stacking them all before dancing.
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