The bridal shower is hosted and paid for by whoever throws it — traditionally the maid of honour and bridesmaids, sometimes a relative. The bachelorette is different: attendees pay their own way, and they usually cover the bride's share between them. Neither should be funded by the bride, and neither should quietly bankrupt anyone.
The shower
The host pays. Traditionally that is the maid of honour and the bridal party together, sometimes with a mother, aunt or close family friend hosting instead. Costs are usually split among hosts rather than carried by one.
Etiquette historically held that immediate family should not host a shower, since it looked like soliciting gifts for themselves. That has faded almost entirely and nobody will remark on it now.
The bachelorette
Attendees pay their own travel, accommodation and activities, and it is customary for the group to split the bride's share so she is not paying for her own party. That is the convention; it is not an obligation on anyone who cannot afford it.
This is where wedding party costs escalate hardest. A destination bachelorette can cost a bridesmaid more than the wedding gift, the dress and the travel to the wedding combined, and it is the most common reason people quietly decline to be in a wedding party.
Keeping it from becoming a problem
Whoever is organising should circulate a realistic all-in cost early, before anyone books flights. A number in advance lets people opt out gracefully; a number that emerges in instalments does not.
Offer a version people can join for less — one night instead of three, or the dinner without the weekend. The point is that everybody who loves her gets to be there, not that everybody spends the same.
If you are the bride: say plainly that you would rather have people there than have an expensive trip. It is the single most useful thing you can do, and it has to come from you.
What to actually do about it
- The host pays for the shower, not the bride
- Traditionally the maid of honour and bridesmaids, splitting it between them. A relative hosting is also entirely normal.
- Circulate the bachelorette's full cost before anyone books
- All in - travel, accommodation, activities, the bride's share. People need one number early, not instalments.
- Offer a cheaper way to take part
- One night rather than three, or dinner without the weekend. Attendance should not be means-tested.
- Split the bride's share, but don't compel it
- It is the convention that the group covers her, but nobody should be pressured into a cost they cannot manage.
Common questions
Who pays for the bridal shower?
Whoever hosts it - traditionally the maid of honour and bridesmaids splitting the cost, sometimes a mother, aunt or family friend. The bride should not be paying for her own shower.
Who pays for the bachelorette party?
Attendees pay their own way, and the group customarily splits the bride's share so she is not funding her own party. It is a convention rather than an obligation on anyone who cannot afford it.
Can the bride's mother host the bridal shower?
Yes. The old etiquette that immediate family should not host - because it looked like soliciting gifts - has faded almost entirely and nobody will remark on it today.
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